Why would I say something like this?  After all, stealing is stealing – right?  But when you think about it, it doesn’t seem that simple. 

For instance, they always have those commercials that say, “You wouldn’t steal a car, would you?” and I think, “No, I wouldn’t steal a car – that is wrong.  But if a friend called me up and said, ‘Hey, I just got a brand new Corvette ZR-1, do you want me to burn you a copy?’” Well, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

But it isn’t really philosophy I want to talk to you about, it is stupidity that I want to talk to you about.

We have two small children, and my son is 20 months old and he likes Happy Feet and Madagascar and various other animated DVD’s.  Now if you have a young child, you probably know that patience is not the strong suit of a young child.  They want their movie and they want it on the TV right now!

For that matter, I feel the same way. 

Yet every time we put in a DVD, we get four or five previews for different movies.  Worse than that, we get a long silent screen with a bunch of legal terminology telling us that it is a federal crime to steal a DVD.

Can someone explain that to me?  I bought a DVD legally and I have to sit through several different silent screens that tell me that stealing the DVD is a federal crime and can be punished much more severely than if I had held a gun on a convenience store clerk and stolen money from the store.

That’s right, some IDIOTS (lawyers) came up with the idea that they should waste several minutes of my life (and you can’t fast forward through it, I’ve tried) every single time I watch a LEGAL DVD to warn me that even though I bought this DVD legally, if I was thinking of stealing one that they will treat me worse than most hardened criminals.

Now this is particularly annoying at home, but you want to multiply the annoyingness several hundred-fold, try it in your car with the rear seat DVD player.  Here’s the situation: You are in the front seat and trying to guess what is on the screen as you press the skip forward button trying to get the Happy Feet DVD to start playing for your 2 year-old and he is whining and fussing because the movie hasn’t started yet and you can’t see what is on the screen – you just want the movie to start!!!  Your toddler doesn’t know how to read and he doesn’t care if there is a 5 year jail sentence waiting for people who would steal a DVD, he just wants to see penguins – NOW.

So I’ve decided that stealing the DVD is the way to go.  I can burn the movie to a DVD that has no previews, no FBI warning and no delays.  I put it in the DVD player and it will start playing Happy Feet and I won’t have to wait for the FBI to tell me that I am a criminal.  In fact, the only time the FBI tells me that I am a criminal is when I obey the law.  When I break the law no one says anything and it just works better.

I hope Robin Williams won’t starve to death because I’m not paying for animated movies on DVD anymore…

P.S.  Legal disclaimer.  I’m not really stealing DVD’s from the internet and burning them to DVD.  That is illegal and punishable by up to five years in federal prison and a fine of $250,000.  I can’t afford that!