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Put so clothes on Granny

Hawk — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 00:49:56 -0400

We’ll, it finally happened. I saw my Mother-in-law in her bathing suit. I’m gonna have to slaughter a pig to get that image out of my mind. You know we have been known to use her varicose veins as a road map on vacation a few times….. hehe. After I saw her I started to think of a few people I would not want to see in a bikini, bathing suit or Speedo. Here are just a few: Donald Trump, Oprah, Paula (put some butter on it) Dean, Kevin James, Tom from the Hawk and Tom Show and Betty White. We’ll with Betty White it might be funny for an SNL show. To be honest I ain’t that pretty myself in a Speedo. This has been a public service announcement from the Better Bikini Bureau of South Carolina. Be careful at the beach, pool and lake this bathing suit season.

I’m Feelin’ Gassy

Hawk — Tue, 17 May 2011 01:19:32 -0400

Gas prices are outrageous. They are higher than Charlie Sheen on a winning streak! You know gas prices are high when the gas stations are offering free anger management classes with a fill up. Heck, for mother’s day my mother wanted something expensive so I just bought her a tank of gas. I’m trying to think of ways to use less gas. I’ve even considered a motorcycle but every time I ride one, I have to stop and brush the bugs out of my teeth when I get there. Really, when are the prices going down? The worst part about it is every time I borrow my wife’s car, there isn’t any gas in the tank. I know she does this on purpose. She drives an SUV, and the other day I had to take out a small loan from the bank just to fill it up! I’ll show those gas companies, I’ll stop buying gas! (By the way, I need a ride to work tomorrow.). Sorry to complain.

Squirrels are driving me nuts

Hawk — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 18:20:38 -0400

Squirrels in my attic? Are you kidding me? Sitting alone upstairs I heard and interesting noise the other day. It sounded like scratching on my ceiling. I though at first it was probably a little mouse. I stood on the chair and banged on the ceiling only to hear the creepy sound of something much bigger scurrying away. So now I’m thinking squirrel, not mouse. Since there is no access to this part of my attic, I’m actually having to hire a carpenter to come in and make a hole into the attic to catch whatever it is that has already made a hole into my attic. I’ve heard of roach motels… I wonder if they have squirrel motels? How about those fly strips for squirrels? Well, Im off in search of these things. I will keep you posted…..

Having trouble parenting

Hawk — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 19:22:03 -0400

So my son can now get out of his crib. It’s all over now. He is no longer confined. Now I have the problem of a 2 year old on the loose at nap-time and night time. I’m trying to figure out how to keep him safe and locked down. A few ideas from some friends who listen to the show: Electric shock collar and invisible fence. Barbed wire. Turn the crib upside down and make a cage. Zip him up in a tent….to name a few. I really could use some help. Looking at that list makes me worry. I will say he is quite talented. His getting out of bed is done with flair and almost always sticks the landing. This climbing And diving phase me well give me a heart attack before it’s over! Please someone tell me this is short-lived. I guess this is preparing me for his teenage years when he sneaks out of bed and meets his friends. All this is giving me so much anxiety. I think I’ve mulled this over long enough so like always, I’ll just do the responsible thing and let his mom worry about

Is my son a crazy

Hawk — Fri, 11 Mar 2011 16:42:13 -0500

My son has become attached to an orange. Yeah, the fruit. Is that strange? He won’t put it down. He plays with it all day. He, of course, has all kinds of toys to play with, books to read, and stuffed animals….but he chooses an orange. At first, I tried to hide it from him but that didn’t work. He can climb up on the counter and find it anywhere. It’s kind of embarrassing in public. He has to have it with him all the time. He carries it in the car, into the store, and even to bed! He won’t let it go. I’ve had to switch it out every few days when it starts to go bad. It’s like his little buddy. He gets confused at the grocery store seeing so many other oranges. It’s much worse than the toy isle, and forces me to skip the produce section entirely when he is with me. If this continues, I could save all kinds of money. For his next birthday…. A fruit basket!

Superbowl Diet

Hawk — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 16:01:10 -0500

This weekend is the Super Bowl. I’m excited. Packers and Steelers. What a great game that will be. Super Bowl parties are the best. It’s almost like a holiday. In fact, I think it should be a national holiday. And I think we should get the following monday off work….either that or we can all call in sick. (I would but I did that for the last 3 years and I think they are catching on.) If you haven’t already, It’s a wonderful opportunity to beak any New Year’s dieting resolution. The Super Bowl is the one time a year when you can actually call sausage cheese dip a meal. And how about the half time show? Ever since the wardrobe malfunction with Janet (Miss Jackson, if you’re nasty) we’ve had entertainment from nursing homes– Old guys like Rolling Stones and Springsteen. I guess they’ve played it safe long enough and now they’re ready to take a risk. Have they not seen a Black Eyed Peas concert? C’mon. Most of Fergie’s wardrobe is a malfunction to begin with. Have fun watching the game

Crazy Snow

Hawk — Tue, 11 Jan 2011 20:09:57 -0500

So we’ve had some snow, and now some ice. What a mess! I’m glad to see the stores are still open. Although, I’m not sure how that will help the people already stuck in their homes and driveways. Wonder what people would run out of first? I’m betting it would be toilet paper. What are you afraid to run out of and not be able to get? I know some smokers that would die without a cigarette. I’m sure they would get creative. Perhaps smoke a tea bag–Get a caffeine high while they’re at it. Maybe roll up some coffee grounds? Well, I would be terrified to run out of something much more important. Nutter Butter cookies. I cannot imagine being without them! While you were all shopping for bread and milk, I was loading my cart full of Nutter Butters. You gotta have a plan and I figure I now have enough for 3 weeks, give or take. That should get me thru until the National Guard shows up. Yeah, that’s my plan– the Nutter Butter diet, good luck with yours!

Birthday Cake

Hawk — Thu, 09 Dec 2010 19:38:50 -0500

Hey what’s up! How are ya? Let me catch you up. My son just turned 2. Where does time go? I swear I just went to the bathroom, came back and he was a toddler. How did that happen? This parenting thing is a fast ride! So he had a birthday, and he wouldn’t eat his cake. Same as last year. Do I have the only kid who doesn’t like cake? How can my son not like cake? Not only did he not eat it but he cried because he thought he had to eat it….which makes for some GREAT pictures. Now whenever he hears anyone sing “Happy Birthday” he cries and runs for the hills. I’m sure this will change. That would make for awkward teenage birthdays. Well, the countdown is on to Christmas. Can’t wait for that fruitcake. Bring on the Egg Nog! (I noticed that Egg Nog prices are up this year, I hear the nog crops failed.)

TV Infomercials

Hawk — Thu, 11 Nov 2010 16:09:32 -0500

The other night I couldn’t sleep. So in the middle of the night I got up and I turned the tv on. It seemed like a good idea at the time. There really wasn’t much on, a few lousy movies and about a hundred infomercials. I usually just turn past the infomercials but for whatever reason I didn’t. I started watching and before long I was captivated. So many products! Medicines, facial cleansers, kitchen gadgets, cleaning supplies… you name it, they were selling it. It was fascinating! Maybe it was the late night or the lack of sleep but I found myself wanting EVERY item I saw. It was like all reason flew out the window. Suddenly, I NEEDED things I had never even considered buying before. A knife that cuts a penny–how have I lived this long without one? A bio- degradable cleaner so natural, you can drink it! Amazing….and handy! I don’t have a problem with my complexion but I was even convinced I needed the facial cleansers, just in case. And who wouldn’t want a Hoveround?! Have you seen how that thing handles corners? It was like I was in a buyers trance, and I have no idea how long it lasted. I woke up that morning with my phone and credit card in my hand. I don’t remember much about the evening but something tells me I’m already done Christmas shopping.

Halloween Candy and Old People

Hawk — Mon, 25 Oct 2010 18:28:20 -0400

Halloween is right around the corner. So I have my costume but I have no idea what to dress my son up as (he is almost 2). Are superheros still popular? I see a lot cartoon characters at the door. Maybe Lady Gaga? Would that be weird? Now I have to address some of you parents on Halloween treats. I spoke with my mom on the phone and you won’t believe what she told me. She is going to make some of those caramel popcorn balls…you know like your granny used to make, and pass them out. I told her absolutely not! The kids in her neighborhood will make fun of her I’m sure. So listen up old people– do NOT give the out following treats to the Trick or Treaters: generic lollipops, candy corn, apples, and finally Circus Peanuts. And when you do give out candy, don’t be stingy! Give a good, dentist-loving handful of fun-sized candy bars. Just trying to help you out the kids this season.